A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,
“You’re just lazy.”
The man nods.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hide it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She's lying.
She hide it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he's getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
Blind girlfriend.
I was in bed with my blind girlfriend, she said, "you have got the biggest cock I've ever felt."
I said, "you're pulling my leg"
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Pastor Vs Carpenter
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can't sleep because I'm afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it's silly, but I can't help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
The Guy Can't Believe What The Doctor Suggests!
“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him.
The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news.
Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non-medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc
I’m desperate!”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” the doctor asks.
“Nope, been single for years,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to find a girlfriend. Go shopping with her, listen to all of her complaints and problems, get involved with every thing she does and completely immerse yourself into her
I mean, EVERY aspect of her you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful
“Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest darn 6 months you’ve ever had.”
Make Your Mother Kiss You
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"